Panic

I am not sure that I really understood how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I think it was a kind of panic.

I was trying to find out exactly what was happening to me and what could happen. I did not want to do anything to my body that might effect my ability to make love.

I read that when prostate cancer moves into our bodies one of the symptoms is that our bones begin to ache. Soon after reading this, the bones in my legs began to ache. I told the radiologist about this and he scheduled an MRI. The results came back quite quickly and the results showed that there was no cancer whatsoever outside of my prostate. Immediately, the pains went away.

I think this was panic.

Poison

Poison. Betrayal. Despair. When I wrote this poem, I was flailing about. It seemed so unjust that my body, and in particular, that part of my body which had, throughout my life, brought unimaginable physical and spiritual pleasure, would now possibly be the source of my death.

If you find this poem and my thoughts of value, I invite you to revisit my blog and read about my book Ripped Out: One Man’s Journey Surviving Prostate Cancer. You may download an e-copy for free or, if you wish purchase a printed copy for $14.95 plus shipping.

Please consider posting your thoughts on this blog. Hearing how others have or are coping with their cancer or the cancer of someone they love will help me on my journey and I believe it will be helpful to others.

 

fear-1

Fear

I have had what seems to me to be an odd experience with fear as I went through the stages of diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Odd in that I did not actually feel afraid. I knew that my cancer could kill me, but I didn’t go into it. Instead, I put a lot of energy denying all of my feelings. It wasn’t until several years after my surgeries that I felt a lot of anger and by then, my PSA readings were consistently low, so I no longer had reason to be afraid that I would die.

I have come to realize that I have lived with a lot of fears that I continually, with great effort, deny. Then finally, I realize that speaking my fears out loud actually gives me relief.

I am very interested in others’ experiences – allowing feelings or not?